藥 房藥 方 笑 話 集
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Peanuts Review
A pharmacist goes to a nursing home to review an elderly customer. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.
He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.
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THE WEDDING
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, aged 89, are all excited about their desision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the pharmacist, "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medication for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely" Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist:
"Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, agarol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here please.
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還一半
農民第一次到城裡買藥。他不知道怎麼稱呼藥房裡的藥劑師，
於是去問街上的小孩。小孩見他土裡土氣，
故意騙他說：「你叫他庸醫就行了。」
農民到了藥房，大聲說：「庸醫，我買一些退熱藥。」
藥劑師一聽，勃然大怒，伸手給了農民兩個耳光。
農民回到家裡，一把揪起老婆，狠狠打了她一耳光。
老婆嚇了一跳，渾身大汗，熱度一下子沒了。
農民一看如此有效，便回城找藥劑師說：
「你的藥真好，剩下的我還給你。」
說罷，他狠狠地打了藥劑師一耳光。
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藥劑師父親
女孩邀請男友週五晚上到她家和她父母共進晚餐。因為這是一樁大事， 所 以女孩告訴他在晚餐過後，她願意把初夜獻給他。 男孩欣喜若狂，但他從來沒做過這檔事，所以他到藥房去買保險套。 藥劑師幫了男孩一個小時左右。 他告訴男孩所有有關保險套及性的注意事項。結帳時，藥劑師問男孩要買多少個保險套 要3袋裝，10袋裝或家庭號。 男孩堅持要買家庭號，因為他認為這是他期待已久的第一次， 他應該會忙得不 得了。 當晚，男孩出現在女友父母親家在門口碰到他的女朋友。『哇我等不及要把你介紹給我父母了。快進來。』 男孩進去後被帶到女方父母坐著的餐桌旁。很快地男孩要求做晚禱然後把 頭低下來。 但過了很久都不見男孩禱告完畢抬起頭來，女朋友靠了過去聲說，『我從來不知道你這麼虔誠。』 男孩子轉頭,小聲的回嘴, 『我也從來不知道你爸爸是藥劑師!』
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兔子
某天有某隻兔子跳進藥房問說
兔子:老闆,你們有沒有賣紅蘿蔔??
老闆笑笑回答說:沒有
次日,兔子又跳進來問說
兔子:老闆,你們有沒有賣紅蘿蔔
老闆:沒有!!!第三日
兔子又跳進來問有沒有賣紅蘿蔔??
老闆:我們沒有賣!!
你再進來問我就剪掉你的耳朵!!
第四日兔子跳進來問
兔子:老闆,你們有沒有賣剪刀??
老闆:沒有!
兔子:那你們有沒有賣紅蘿蔔???
老闆:!@#$%%^
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Frozen
Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?" Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"
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What a placebo!
A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working. "Oh," he said, "You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was working fine now.
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Including Tacks?
This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, alright??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
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Knowledge Pill
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge on those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have
a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the
counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."
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The pharmacist joke
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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Another Pharmacist Joke
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this isweird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Do You Have Any Plums?
A penguin was passing the drug store when he decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) he waddles up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister penguin?'
'Yes, do you have any plums?'
'No, penguin, this is a drugstore.'
'Thank you.'
The penguin leaves (waddle waddle waddle)
A while latter the penguin passes by again and once again goes inside.(ring ring ring, waddle
waddle waddle) He waddles to the counter.
'Excuse me, do you have any plums?'
'NO, penguin! this is a drug store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again penguin, I will nail your cute little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you'
The pengin waddles out the door.
A while latter the penguin goes back into the store.(ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle)
'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! penguin, this is a drug store!!!'
'Oh, well then, do you have any plums?'
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Condom Joke
A Grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table.
'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom' replies thegrandson sheepishly.
'What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.
The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain'
To his surprise his grandpa says 'That's a great idea,' and goes off to the drug store.
He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
'What size would you like' asks the pharmacist.
'Oh, big enough to fit a camel'
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Gold Coins
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and Istopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious,said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face,the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
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神農氏
有天老師問大家：「誰知道神農氏有什麼功績嗎？」
班長馬上舉了手：「老師我知道，是嚐百草。」
老師很滿意的說： 「嗯~不錯，果然是班長，都有在唸書。」
之後小明不服氣的舉手了，
問道：「老師，你知道神農氏死掉之前所說話的嗎？」
老師說：「嗯~老師不知道耶..」
小明說：「老師，我來告訴你吧！那就是....... 啊！這個有毒！」
老師：「......-_____-!!!」
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複診
彼得知道初診要三百塊，而複診只要一百塊，於是他走進診所，對醫生說道：「我又來了。」醫生幫他看了一下，說：「就吃上次開的藥吧！」
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聰明丸
請給我一些聰明丸！」某人對醫生說，醫生瞧瞧他，開了處方。過了一段時期，那人回來了，「我好像沒有變聰明。」他說。 「繼續服藥。」醫生說。又過了一段時期，那人來說﹕我還是沒有變聰明，你給我吃的大概是維生素吧？」「瞧，你已經變的聰明了。」醫生說 。
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安眠藥
醫生:這是一顆安眠藥,妳的先生需要絕對的安靜.
婦人：什麼時候該給他吃
醫生:不必給她吃,那是給妳吃的
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是誰在吃藥
一位獸醫有事要外出，出門前交代他的助手，
要記得餵診所內一匹受傷的馬服藥，他說：
你只要拿根管子放入馬的嘴巴，再將藥丸放入管內，
然後對著管子吹氣就可以了。說完便放心的離開。
不久獸醫回來竟然發現助手病奄奄得躺在地上。
醫師問：發生了什麼事？
助手回答說：我沒料想到那馬吹氣吹的比我還快！
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鑲牙
一個時髦的女郎來到牙科診所要求鑲牙。
醫生問"鑲大牙還是鑲門牙？"
女郎高傲的說"我聽人家說西班牙不錯，就給鑲一顆西班牙吧﹗"
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希望藥丸
醫生再三吩咐病人說：「黃色藥丸治胃痛，
紅色藥丸治肝臟腫脹，白色藥丸治心臟病。
弄清楚了嗎？」
病人說：「我完全明白......
只希望那些藥丸明白它們該到什麼地方去。」
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安眠藥
一個容顏憔悴的病人對醫生說:"我家窗外的野狗整夜吠個不停...
我快瘋了!"醫生說:"你拿這些新安眠藥回去試試看!"一星期後...
病人又來了..樣子比上次更憔悴疲憊...醫生問"那些藥丸無效嗎?"
病人嗚咽著說"不是的...我每晚都起來去追那些野狗....可是...
即使捉到一隻....牠也不肯吞下安眠藥!!"
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藥方
一位富商對他的醫生說:「我們相識多年了,我覺得每次以現金付你醫療費,簡直像是種侮辱,所以我決定在我的遺囑裡贈你一筆可觀的遺產。」
醫生說:「好極了,不過請把剛剛我開給你的藥方給我一下,我想改變其中幾種配方。」
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"在一言醫院裡，有一天晚上輪到絕跡護士來值班。
臨睡前給你吃的
護士巡視了一趟所有的病房，忽然想起了一件事就趕緊回到值班帆，拿起了一包藥，又充充忙忙的跑向病房，走到病人的床邊!病人看來已經睡熟了，而且臉上還帶著微笑(想必是夢到中了六合彩)
但是護士還是用力的把他搖醒，並且大聲的喊說:起來，快起來!!!」
病人一聽到就很不高興的起來，發現護士在一旁叫他便很不爽的一邊爬起來，一邊還很睏的對她說:「到底有什麼事呀?小姐，我在做美夢呢!!」
護士說:「忘了給你吃藥了!!」
病人問道:「吃啥啊?」
護士說:「安眠藥啊，醫生說要在每天給你在臨睡前給你吃的啊!」
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Empty Stomach
As a pharmacist, the general public expects us to be rather professional. Thus is is easy (and fun!) to catch people off guard by having a sense of humor... The following exchange took place between me and one of my patients: Me: Take this medication on an empty stomach. Patient: Does it say that on the label? Me: Yes, on the sticker, next to the drawing of a stomach. Patient: Ewww, gross! Me: You should see what we put on the suppositories.
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甚麼藥
凌晨二點,小護士叫醒正在熟睡的病患.
「起來,吃藥了!」
病患揉著睡眼問:「吃甚麼藥啊?」
『安眠藥,吃完再睡!』
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Birth Control and Sleep
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
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Prescription Change
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
